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Pages: please help, I'm dating the wrong gender [1]
Author Topic: Please help, I'm dating the wrong gender

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2011-02-08 14-13-50

please help, I'm dating the wrong gender Hi. I'm in my mid-20s and have dated men all my life. In fact, I'm in an (open) relationship with a wonderful guy right now. The problem? I'm 95% sure I'm bisexual-leaning-lesbian. But I'm shy, and at least I have some idea of how to interact with/pick up men, and there are way more straight men than gay women out there. So I date men. And sometimes cry at night. On some level I guess I just want to get with a woman. I feel like at least I'll get some answers. But it seems like I'd be using someone - even if I'm upfront - and that doesn't seem cool. Posting on personals is tempting, though. The guy I'm dating knows all of this, and he's supportive (really) but doesn't have any advice for me. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much for reading.
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2011-02-09 2-44-32-

Oh dear First off what are you talking about??? there are so many wonderful gay women in S.F. I just moved up from there in summer. SO many great events to meet women. The Mission ROCKS for meeting women. BUT about you being in a "open" relationship, hon, sorry but it is doomed. Maybe keep him as a friend, but open relationships are no good for you. Be alone, and get to know yourself better. Get out there more. Be honest with your inner self. Crying for something you don't have is not the way to live. You're obviously young so you will find what is best for you in time. btw. these women may rip you apart. They have a club of their own here. Good luck
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2011-02-09 22-36-25

Hey, jen n... First of all, ignore sf2bc - she knows not of what she speaks. And secondly, I'd recommend finding a 'coming-out' group near you. That will be a safe place for you to explore the feelings that you're having. Being gay/lesbian/queer isn't about 'getting' with some It is far, far deeper than that, so I think your instincts to avoid that are really good.
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2011-02-10 13-08-00

Sometimes it's cleaner to figure out your stuff before you involve someone else, even if you are in an open relationship. And I think, from what we see here, that there are WAY more bi-curious women in relationships/marriages with men than there are bi or lesbian gals who want to be a third, or a distant point of a triangle. You're wise to hold off on sleeping with a woman just to get answers. That way, you won't be experimenting at the risk of hurting her, or yourself. There are no easy answers. This is the forum FAQ, and there is some general info. on it. Maybe you can find a support group, or supportive friends. You're far from alone in this. And SF is pretty darn ghey. There's a ton going on, gay and not gay - and not relying solely on bars is a good thing, too.
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2011-02-10 16-48-38

Oops - forgot the Fo FAQ link...
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  • grindstaff

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    2011-02-10 22-54-18

    Sounds like you already know your own answers? Well, I must admit it's refreshing to see someone come in and know that it would be skeezy to use someone to test out whether or not she's gay. We get this question here a lot. The answers are kind of boring. Dating women is a lot like dating men. Dating multiple people at once is generally not cool, especially if it is to "experiment." If you cry yourself to sleep at night, you should probably dump your boyfriend--regardless of whether you are straight or gay, he clearly is not doing it for you. Once you are single you can regroup and decide whether to try dating women. The end!
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  • Gerhard

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    2011-02-11 9-53-51-

    Picking up a woman is no different from picking up a man, at least in purely practical terms. Go somewhere, find someone interesting, make conversation, ask out on date. No secret handshake, no codewords. Sorry.
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    2011-02-11 16-44-37

    Well . . . . . It sounds as if you have been dating men because it is easy, they are available, you don't want to be al However, none of those reasons seem good enough if you cry at night about your current situation. My suggestion would be to spend some time alone so you can figure yourself out and get really comfortable with who you are and what you want. This process will help you discover the answers you need and if seeking a relationship with a women is something you want you will do whatever it takes to pursue it. Good luck in your journey!
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    2011-02-11 19-17-06

    this is not so complicated. Your problem is not that you think you want to start dating women, but that you are in a relationship right now. He says he is supportive, but will he be supportive if you leave him for a woman, if this all works out for you? If you want to try being with a woman before you leave your guy, you should, why not, especially if he is cool with it. But hop in bed with someone just looking for an affair; either a bi-friendly lesbian (there is in every zip code, but no more than that) or any bi woman happy to show you around (like me :)). That is exactly what I did in your situation. NSA section on is great for that, just spell out your terms, that way no gets hurt. My feeling is, if you are spending this much time thinking about it, chances are it will go well. Just don't wait till you are 40 like I did, and then kick yourself for all those wasted years.
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