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Pages: Husband in therapy... i asked for a divorce [1]
Author Topic: Husband in therapy... i asked for a divorce

Posts: 29

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2011-06-19 21-41-29

Husband in therapy... i asked for a divorce There was physical abuse before i married him (i know, i'm an idiot - i thought i could help him by being his wife). I got pregnant on the honeymoon and he physiy assaulted me several times during the pregnancy. He's lost x jobs (before, during the pregnancy, and after the baby was born) for looking at porn at work... i took his word on the first instance. i told him if it happenned again i would divorce him after the second instance. then he did it again. all along i have been telling him he has issues and needs to get in therapy. he always agreed and said he would. After the last incident last June, i told him he had until March of this year to start actively seeking out help, or i would begin the divorce process and move out with our son. Okay - so he FINALLY makes an appointment to go get mental health help - on March xth. He's been in therapy since then and has been proscribed adderol, zoloft, and welbutrin so far... diagnosed with depression and anxiety, though i suspect a nasty personality disorder. But where does that put me?? The only thing that works with him are threats which are carried out. I told him i would divorce him after the last episode unless he got therapy... he waits til the last freaking day to set up an appointment. But now he's in therapy and on meds and "getting help" - where does that put me? I feel like if i don't go through with what i said i would do, i would be showing him that my threats are empty and he has permission to start the cycle all over again. But at the same time, the therapist and him think i should be there to help him out and support him as he tries to improve his life. All i'm concerned about is the safety of my , and he's proven time and time again that he may be wonderful x% of the time - but the other x% of the time he is unpredictable and intolerable. I realize i should make a full effort for the sake of our son of keeping our family together, but at the same time - i feel like the only way i can guarantee our safety is to be living somewhere else. what would you do?
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Posts: 20

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2011-08-28 0-39-11-

can I have some cheese with that divorce him already!
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Posts: 27

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2012-02-09 14-26-43

empty threats Here is your quote "i told him if it happened again i would divorce him after the second instance. then he did it again." But instead of divorcing him, you said okay, get therapy, or i am leaving. You have already shown him he can keep screwing up, and you'll keep giving him new ultimatums. I would say this. Do you love him and want to try to work it out with him? Its may be a long road, but hes making an effort. If the answer is yes, then stay. But if you would only be staying because you feel like you have to, then pack up your stuff and move on. This is his problem, he needs to take care of it. You don't have to hold his hand through it.
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  • lavers

    Posts: 45

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    2012-11-19 16-45-01

    i know, i know i know i let it slide... which was stupid, but there was a lot of issues going on at the time that had to be addressed, and frankly divorce is the last thing i feel like thinking about. i feel like leaving is the right thing to do. i would not keep him from his son, nor would i rule out possibly getting back together somewhere down the road when he's at a better place with himself - but he and the therapist both pit me as the most important person in his getting better. i know he only entered therapy at the last minute because he saw me looking at apartment ads and freaked out and did it to keep me from leaving. he told the therapist that things were getting better and generally wonderful between us at our last session, despite the fact that he flipped out on me not even x weeks ago. the problem is that if i walk away now - he can say "look - i went into therapy like she asked, and she still left me anyways. obviously i have issues - but she's thecausing the marital issues, etc) - and use that as an excuse to be vindictive and cause further problems, not to mention discontinue therapy. i genuinely want him to get the help he needs... i know i'm going to be leaving eventually. i just think this situation blows.
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  • gwin

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    2013-06-16 2-02-26-

    what advice would you give yourself You shouldn't be worrying about what the couselor will think, or the things your husband will say. If you are done with the marriage, if you can say " know i'm going to be leaving eventually", then you should do what is best for you. However, I have to say your statement "nor would i rule out possibly getting back together somewhere down the road when he's at a better place with himself " threw me for a loop. I understand people do wrong things (such as your husband), and peopel fall out of love. So in such cases, you move out and get a divorce. But you dont get a divorce saying, oh well maybe i can be with him later. If you think you can still be with him, then stay him and help him. Dont leave unless you are really truly d If anything will confuse and mess your son up in the head, its moving out, explaining divorce, then "dating", moving back in and marriage again.
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  • linetta

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    Posts: 44

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    2013-12-30 6-51-36-

    it's weird... he's not really the "angry" type. he's often just as abusive towards himself after the things he has done to me... he reallizes he cant control himself somtimes. he's done many controlling things throughout our relationship... like condemning my relationship with my family (in another state), not wanting me to have friends of my own, doing things i like to do, or bettering myself. i love him dearly.. he's a wonderful person, with many many issues and problems stemming from an abusive hood. i came from a bad hood myself, so i can empathize with him and i want him to get better... as i have tried for myself over the years. i genuinely love him, even though i haven't been "in love" with him for many years. the marriage was a mistake for the wrong reasons, and that coupled with trying to protect my from an abusive father are my main concerns. the therapist was surprised when he asked my husband why the abuse happenned - my husband said that most of the time he felt like i "wanted" the abuse, and he was giving me what i wanted. that's pretty messed up. i just wish there were an easier way - and i know his family is going to hate me like the devil when i move out - and they wont believe a word about him being abusive, either. this sucks.
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  • nicoloff

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    Posts: 33

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    2014-06-17 20-14-53

    Why are you so conflicted? for yourself. How come you can't make your own decision based on what you're living through? Don't you have a list of deal-breakers in your mind? If so, has he committedor more? Are you simply scared of the unknown? Your indecision is making this situation much worse, by pissing him off, making things unstable, and keep you in danger (if he's really as bad as you say). Grow up, woman, get a backbone, and make a decision!!!!!
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    2015-08-20 9-29-44-

    i will. yeah - many dealbreakers. there's no excuse. i'm just dreading doing what i have to do.
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    2015-12-16 18-29-39

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