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Pages: I have come out late in life. Have questions... [1]
Author Topic: I have come out late in life. Have questions...

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2011-02-08 14-17-21

I have come out late in life. Have questions... FYI, I am happily and comfortably a lesbian and I am over 40. I would simply appreciate your thoughts. I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of separation in the lesbian community as to "type." For example, butch, femme, lesbian, stone, etc. I am curious about this because it this seems to be a very "tunnel vision" approach to identity and to love. Also, the lesbian (I'm referring to all gay women as lesbians just for now) community seems to be very separated--as in not unified-- over these and other issues. I'm disappointed. What are your thoughts on this? Is there something that I am not perceiving correctly? I want to feel more united with gay women.
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2011-02-09 2-56-34-

Wimmin come in many beautiful shapes and sizes with many personality types. The Mother Goddess in her eternal wisdom created us to be passionate free-thinkers. We do not conform. We resist the ways of the manfolk and enjoy our wimminly nature. Learn to love our differences and embrace us all!
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Posts: 14

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2011-02-09 10-37-25

Yes, that is how I feel, but have you noticed the strong separation in the community? Look at the postings in the personals (where I also just posted this same dconcern), so many individuals refer to themselves as a "type" looking for a "type." what do you make of this? Please note everyone, I am just trying to understand this behavior because the "community" seems to be very segregated among "types."
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Posts: 2

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2011-02-10 5-24-36-

while i get what you are saying do you feel that the lesbian community is much different than the straight community as far as self segregation and labels and stuff? as many ads as there are looking for a type (or more often in my experience *excluding* a type -as in NO butches or whatever) there seem to be just as many touting their own lack of a label. shrugs. i see it as people wanting to be with people that are like them. as in, yuppies with yuppies, or punks with punks or whatever. i think the community is vast, and can depend on geography a bit as well. i am in the sacramento area, and there is some serious hatred towards butches and butch/femme flying about on the personal ads here. which sucks for me since i am a femme interested in butches. i wonder if it has more to do with the butch/femme and andro scene being so popular and or common in sfo? either way, dont feel like you have to put a label on yourself right away or ever. i find labeling myself a femme useful since its sort of descriptive but no should feel that lableing oneself necessary.
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2011-02-10 14-22-43

This is very helpful and I feel like I'm getting the picture. Since my relationship recently ended and I am feeling a great loss, I have been going to the personals postings looking for "community." "Community" as in being like me! :) I realize now, after reading many kind responses (I posted this observation on the personals board as well) that I am trying to make a board of a vast number of indiviudals my own personal 'community." I am taking out my sadness on others who are expressing themselves in their own way. Thank you for the response. I wrote a posting for my friend last night and put it on 4w4 personals: "Easy to Love...", my friend is a butch looking for a femme. Just mentioning it.....:)
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2011-02-11 7-11-22-

keep coming here. This is a great community. the folks here rock. I've gotten lots of great advice and support here. And they've gotten me through many - a - lonely workday.
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  • ashlock

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    2011-02-11 19-33-00

    Thank you flyingdogs and everyone else too for making me feel so welcome. I really appreciate the "education" - it is all a learning experience for me. Everyone here has been so gentle - even when disagreeing. I have also learned a better way to respond to others. When the message is given in kindness, I actually "hear" what is being said and learn from it, rather than reacting to it. I LOVE YOU GUYS! ("Guys" as in every ) :)
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    2011-02-11 20-57-31

    Don't judge all Lesbians by 's List ads ... as Feisty wisely posted, everyone has preferences, but I don't find my communities divided as a result. My circle has all "types," but I just think of them as people. And so much butch/femme & top/bottom stuff is not as it seems on the surface, and much is negotiated on within a relationship. Don't get hung up on roles and labels. They do exist, and they can be fun, but just be yourself. Everything tends to fall intpo place after that. Welcome "out"!
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    2011-02-11 23-10-09

    I love you woombmoon! I never miss a post.
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  • pickle

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    2011-02-11 23-41-36

    just be yourself So long as you feel comfortable in yourself and happy, you don't need to worry about how others identify.
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  • Naveen

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    2011-02-12 1-24-53-

    Yes, you are right. I have read various responses (all gentle) because I posted this in the personals as well and i am feeling differently now. More supportive of everyone and i too, have received only support. Thanks.
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    Posts: 18

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    2011-02-12 9-24-12-

    I think maybe the youngsters enjoy categorizing themselves. Or maybe it's a regional thing. None of my friends do it beyond a little bit of describing behavior or hairstyles as butch. I was shocked by how many on this board describe themselves as butch or femme. Maybe it's just a handy shortcut.
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    Full Member
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    2011-02-13 21-16-42

    Hmm... Are you an oldster?
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    Posts: 30

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    2011-03-16 6-31-58-

    I think so. Not x yet, but getting there.
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  • graciano

    Posts: 53

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    2011-07-10 4-20-55-

    I Agree. I am x and find myself running.. From communities with people my age. Everything is always in an uproar. Drama here, drama there. No can have civilized conversations... especially when you throw the teenagers into the mix. It's trite.
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    2011-12-13 23-15-09

    well.......*sigh* i'm x,and i'm just starting to begin to want to date.... i consider myself femme,but i think i'm just queer,and whatever,i wear dresses,i have short hair,i just am myself. As far as being attracted to a type,i usually look for girls like me.....but i'm not opposed to any certain type. dating scares the hell out of i the only like this????
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  • hutchcraft

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    2012-08-27 7-42-01-

    Definitely not. I've pretty much put off dating. Mainly because I either like people or I don't. And if don't like someone I'm not going to spend my time forcing it. It'll happen when it happens.
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  • Jolene

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    2013-04-14 17-43-31

    I haven't found age to be a factor at all. I have a few friends my age (x+) who do categorize themselves. Also, if you read the personals, you will find that all ages categorize themselves at butch, femme, etc. Go there now and you'll see.
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    2014-02-16 18-23-53

    Great idea. :) Thanks!
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  • janson

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    2015-06-24 6-00-08-

    In my city, Minneapolis, onlymention of butch or femme in the topposts. We're low volume, so that's all x of today's posts and the first x of yesterday's. I'm not pretending to know anything, just speculating. I thought maybe it was an age or regional thing or a handy shortcut. No hidden agenda on my part, no attempted slam on any
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    2015-12-08 18-30-52

    But you are reading the Personals and the ones at that. Do you really think they represent the entire lesbian community (or lack thereof)? If I place a personal ad in search of butch women (or femme women, or tall women, or sporty women) for dating, it only means that these are the women I'm attracted to. Does your circle of friends consist only of women you find sexually attractive? Thank god mine does not. The personals are really no indication of lesbians as community. I think a lot of women when they first come out have very high expectations of other lesbians. They can feel sort of exposed, like they've sacrificed a certain comfort and security, and they expect this imaginary lesbian community to sort of step in and provide comfort. They feel sort of ripped off when they realize that we are not some giant support group. Nobody arrives on your doorstep with a fresh-baked pie and an invitation to the neighborhood picnic. If you want community, then you will have to do the work. As has been mentioned ad nauseum in this forum, there are plenty of opportunites to volunteer at queer events. By volunteering, you can meet women who have similar interests to yours. You can stop caring whether they themselves butch or femme or whatever and just get on with the business of making friends.
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