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Pages: Poll: Committed but living separately [1]
Author Topic: Poll: Committed but living separately

Posts: 3

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2011-02-08 18-56-15

Poll: Committed but living separately LON's post below got me thinking, and wondering how others manage their relationships when they don't live together. I'd love to know how other people do it.
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2011-02-09 3-38-18-

there are versions of even this Living separately in proximity, and living separately at distance/long distance. Not to interject in your poll.
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    2011-02-10 0-14-08-

    seperately/long distance here We used to live together, but in order to stay employed she had to move. It's very hard on both of us. Trust issues are the biggest problem for us. I just got back from a weekend with her, and when it comes time to say good bye, it's painful. We both work very hard at keeping it together because we love each other. Also, we're starting couples therapy next week. There's nothing easy about living apart. We just keep on keeping on with plans for the future.
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    Posts: 7

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    2011-02-10 11-25-01

    How are you doing the couples therapy? Are you meeting in person or over the phone?
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  • augello

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    2011-02-11 3-13-54-

    In person We usually get together every weeks, so we are able to do it in person. This past weekend we got together for a celebration so we got an added bonus! Our therapy will be on saturday mornings, so it'll work for us.
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    2011-02-11 3-51-59-

    Oh, excellent. I was thinking Skype or something. I really hope you can work through this and I think its great that you're working on it.
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  • Oona

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    2011-02-11 15-41-39

    Ah, thank you We have great chemistry on every level. We just need to learn how to cope better with living apart for right now. So that's why we're going to therapy.
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    2011-02-12 5-31-34-

    LOVE ME some Skype!
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  • eckhoff

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    2011-02-12 18-23-57

    2 different flavors - both poll-worthy, though! I think it's WAY easier to navigate living separately at close proximity. Either way transportation is an issue, but I can only imagine how hard LDRs are. Interesting discussion, thanks!
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    2011-02-28 1-38-53-

    separately, somewhat hybrid of a LDR When my sweetie & I were first dating, I'd look at 2 bedroom apartments and imagine what it would be like living with her. She didn't want to move in together then, and I'm really glad she stood her ground. It's been almost years, and we know each other better. We like to have our own space, to decorate, to retreat to, to do with what we wish without having to run it by another person. We're both Aries and have VERY STRONG ideas about how our homes should be in order to be comfortable. If we lived together much of our day would be spent negotiating compromises. Little things like dishes and sock-stealing dogs would become a much bigger issue than they are now. K & I spend weekends together, usually at my place but sometimes at hers. It takes about 1 - 1.5 hours to travel between each other's places. When I moved recently, I was looking at places closer to K's 'hood, but decided I would rather live where I *want* to live, than move to an area I didn't like as much, that was farther from work and not as dog-friendly. The distance for us has become part of the rhythm of our relationship that makes it work. Neither of us want ren, so there's really no reason, other than financial, to move in together. We don't get as much time together as we otherwise would, but what time we do get is special, focused on us. Sometimes we have an argument and we're able to retreat to our own places to cool down before revisiting the discussion another day.
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    2011-05-31 7-12-04-

    Owned space is important to me as well, as I like things a certain way (Capricorn here), but I am also the kind of person who looks forward to beginning and ending the day with my sweet tart. While I gladly travel back and forth, I really don't enjoy the logistical planning.
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    2011-10-21 17-34-55

    what logistical planning? the whens and wheres of when you'll go over?
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    2012-03-06 3-05-17-

    Yes, exactly And I have a pup, so he needs to be transported. Having a schedule doesn't really work so well, in that I have a job with a set schedule, and her schedule changes every week, with the possibility of every day. We make it work, but I was wondering what other people did in their non-coexsistence relationships.
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  • grindstaff

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    2012-03-08 20-56-22

    my schedule is more volatile than K's and my animals are another factor in how much time we can be together. Example, if I'm going to her place, I can't go straight from work. I need to go home, walk the dog, feed the kittehs, get changed, eat and THEN go over. This is part of the reason she comes to me so often. It's not exactly fair, I'd prefer if we spent more time at her place, but going back and forth is such a pain in the ass. I wish we lived closer, but we both like our neighbourhoods and the proximity to our day jobs, so neither of us want to move.
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  • huddle

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    2012-05-25 8-14-00-

    We maintainplaces... our primary residence is in NW Florida and my gf has an apt. in San Francisco. We have been having this kind of relationship for x years now. Her work is very specialized and she enjoys the challenges immensely in CA. I, on the other hand, remain here (FL) as my mother is aging and I want to spend time with her. I also have a fulfilling career as a hospice social worker. How do we do it and stay sane? First of all...not sure if we are sane...but we made a commitment to make this work until she retires (x more years). Is it hard? Yes. We have to work hard at it every single day. We talk several times a day and then quite a long time at night. This arrangement has allowed us to nurture some individual interests (not other women) that we might not have pursued if we lived together all the time. We carefully plan when she flies home (about every x weeks) for about a week and then we alternate and I fly out there. We decided to frame this as our way of beginning anew each time we are together. In hetero talk it is like a honeymoon whenever we seeanother. Initially, we had to really work on trust. It was a great deal of off the wall questions and then we went through the 'I know you are seeing someone' paranoia. We decided to rechannel this energy into building a trustworthy relationship and take itday at a time. I have had to work diligently to find a couple of friends that I felt safe with being around here at home. Because she is not physiy here on many weekends this has pushed me into nurturing these friendships and doing things with other women. Also, this 'separate time' has edged me toward pursuing a Ph.D. Although I am just now applying to universities (age x) this might have been something I would not have chosen to do if we lived together. I am not sure on thatbut that is my thinking right now. The only problem I am facing is how doesconvince x beautiful cats that flying back and forth to SF can really be fun??
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    Posts: 34

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    2013-03-05 22-22-59

    Nice , I often wish we didnotlivesoclosetogether The x of us in my house is sometimes too much. I have found I really need some space, and I am sure she does to. Spring is coming and I will befocused on creating space in the basement. Finished off adds lots of sqare footage living space, and a place to retreat.
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    2013-06-07 6-30-25-

    Separately but in close proximity
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    2014-03-16 1-38-58-

    Married but living apart... if we lived together,of us would have a monster commute and neither wants the other to do that. I want to spend more time with her than we do, and I get sad on Sunday afternoons when we part. However, it is nice that we don't argue about household stuff, or separate space issues. We each continue our full lives and make space for "us" that is focused on us. We usually spend Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon andweeknight together. We both need that Sat am time for house stuff and life puttering - the stuff that doesn't get done during the week. We hope to live together in a couple of years when some of our job stuff may shift.
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  • oltmanns

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    2015-06-11 19-26-04

    I still think the perfect arrangement would be sharingsides of a duplex.
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    2015-06-14 12-58-13

    yes! with that secret door joining the bedrooms
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    2015-10-22 12-03-40

    Exactly! with locks on both sides : )
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